Mission... stalk patron...

What a day it's been?! First off a patron really got our new assistant mad. Mr. Clean, much like the commercials is bald, and so he was beet red mad. Thankfully, I stepped in in time, I didn't think that idiot patron wanted to get hit by a Green Berra. (Don't ask me how I know he was in the US ARMY. *that's probably why there's marks on the file room door*)

Anyhoo, we have this on patron we know of as Mr. Anonymous. He's a pain in every situation when he comes in. Usually it's with his wife and two kids. I don't know about you, but I think the dude is bored. Well anyway, he was walking around the library looking at books when I noticed him start looking around and knew he was up to something.

Suddenly he starts speed walking around the library humming the Mission Impossible song. Now with Mr. Clean he's very conscious about sound in the library. (To an ungodly level.) So he starts tracking Mr. Anonymous down and tells him to, politely, 'Shut Up.'

Well, the guy suddenly bursts into tears and yells, 'Why won't you people just leave me alone?!'

That's when I intervine. Mr. Clean is still walking around fuming about it, as for me I'm getting a kick out of his red ears. HAHAHA!!!

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

Rambunctious Assisant and Jamaica

This story is just to hilarious to pass up. Today was one of those slow days. (Surprising for a Monday, got to tell you.) Unfortunately half of our staff is sick. (Yahoo for a canceled staff meeting, boo to no nap!) So I'm spending my time up at the front desk for a change and not in the back corner and my comfort zone. (No naps and online Cafe World for me, man!)

Now I have no problems with assistants as long as I'm not around them. But I love Rambunctious Assistant, call it our collective stupidity, but we get along well. As it turns out she always takes care of those patrons that come in and say that they lost their library card.

SCENE:

Patron: Ma'am: "I lost my library card and need to replace it."

(Our library cards come free for the first time, and then cost a patron ten dollars for a new one.)

Rambunctious Assistant: "Alright, it will be ten dollars for a new card, and you have to pay me ten dollars for my vacation to Jamaica as well."

Patron looks at Rambunctious Assistant. R.A. looks at Patron without cracking a smile. (Believe me, when R.A. wants to be serious, she can be serious. *even when she's kidding*) Patron shrugs and pulls out a twenty and gets their new library card. Rambunctious Assistant assigns a computer to the patron and the transaction is over.

For a moment I'm completely stunned and suddenly R.A. starts snickering and whispers: "I can't believe I actually got it!"

Looking over at, R.A. (I'm just shorting her name 'kay.) and ask, "Do you do that every time?!"

R.A. smiles her evil little mastermind grin and says, "Yup, every time."

For a moment all I could do was stare at her wide eyed as she said, "Yup, all I need is about three hundred dollars more and I'm going."

I have to hand it to R.A.she's a genius. To think she's gotten well over six hundred dollars from unsuspecting patrons and their innocent idiocy. ( We have to do something with our time, and tricking patrons is a pass-time for us librarians) She's been doing it for a couple of years now, and some patrons laugh with her when they think she's joking, but that patron was unsuspecting and I'm sorry for that patron.(Though... not really...) She told me it doesn't always work, and that one time a guy gave he thirty dollars to fund her trip. I got a kick out of that. And here I thought I was evil....

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

Confidential Files

You wouldn't believe how hard it is to break into confidential files in our library. Good Lord!!! It literally has a room of it's own. *scratching head* I'm almost wanting to ask Mr. Clean if he learned how to break-and-enter when he was in the army.

Anyhoo, nice day to be at work, or at least it was until Mr. X came in. I call him that because of a small experience I had with him, he's a major league paranoid guy, but he acts all macho man. Now I have no problem with him until he starts asking about anything we might have on UFO's or Roswell. (If you don't know about Roswell, I think it's about time to get yourself well informed.)

Sometimes I wish Mr. Clean worked on Saturdays, he kept people from asking me reference questions and now I barely have time to do anything else!!! HELP MR. CLEAN!!! So me and Mr. X spent the last two hours going over every possible book about anything I knew about UFO's. (I know a lot considering he comes in once a month!) As always same books, and then he starts giving me the nerves because he tells me all of this stuff about UFO's and alien abductions. Now I can't even go near the confidential files room without getting scared!!!

WHAT IS WITH THAT GUY?!?!?

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

Spook

*Hitching coat* Yup, that's right, that's my new nickname thanks to the new assistant Mr. Clean. I feel like Mulder off of X-Files. (For those out there that don't know it, his nickname was Spook.) I want to get a name tag that says that. But your probably wondering how it is I got that nickname.

Well for the past week I've put all my skills into Mr. Clean's own prank. Like I've said before in our library we have an initiation scare and no one else had the guts to try it. (Call me stupid, or I just plan have a death wish, but I had to try and scare this ex-military.) All week, I've been trying to sneak up on him to no avail. (This guy has ears like a bat, I got to tell you.) It *finally* happened today, I'm feeling really high and mighty.

Anyhoo, it was when we were in the back shuffle room, and it was just him. So with ever increasing care, and thanks to the honking loud book sorting machine, I sneaked up on him. Of course I made it look like I needed his help with a file and he literally jumped a mile high and let out a stream of cuss words that would have made a sailor blush. (I'm not sure if he was one. I still haven't had a chance to sneak into the 'confidential' files.) He sure was angry and I thought he was going to give me a nice smack or more likely knuckle punch or upper cut *as all the guys like to call them*. Thankfully he refrained from doing so.

So when he finally came out of the shuffling room in the back, still beet red with embarrassment at having been caught at his own game. Mr Clean said, "Hey Spook how you doing?"

All the assistants were a bit confused until he tapped me on the shoulder and I said, "Fine."

(That's probably when I realized he was talking to me.) So now all the assistants are calling me Spook. I got to say, I'm loving it. Though all the patrons keep giving my assistants a funny look when they call me that.

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

Who is this guy?!?

Alright, 'ghost mode' isn't working so well. WHO IN THE WORLD IS THIS GUY?! Some Navy SEAL or something!!! He always seems to find me. I almost want to give up, but...

*evil grin*

I have one more trick up my sleeve, hope it works... Anyways, as it turns out he isn't too bad of an assistant, though he's still at page level and think's he's a know-it-all when it comes to a library. Asked him what ALA (For all of you that don't know what that is, its American Library Association. You can look it up.) was and he gave me this 'huh' look. Got to say, he gives me some laughs even though I have to sneak to get on this blog. (It's kind of thrilling having to sneak around, I haven't had that for a while.)

In other news, less reference questions from patrons. (I think they are afraid of him.) And, every other staff member has fallen in love with Mr. Clean. (I don't quite understand it though, he's just so... irritating.) But I'm loving the less reference questiosn, I got to tell you. (Sorry upset patrons, it ain't my fault!)

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

Looking Over Shoulder....

Reason for that title, because that's what I have to do right now. The new guy I call Mr. Clean is always hovering over my shoulder. That's one reason I haven't posted any lately, I'm in constant fear of being caught. It feels like a security guard is always on my tail-end.

So the new guy started this week, and boy is he interesting to say the least. Right now, I have him doing the dirty spring cleaning in our hide-away shelves for our reference/college dudes. It's a fun job, hopefully it will keep him for a while.

Anyhoo, new guy, right, well let's just say he's....clean... First off, he's military, which makes him very organized and well... clean. It's hilarious how he gripes about the men's bathroom, and we are all looking at each other wondering where in the world he's been. I can't help but laugh. He hates me even though I'm his boss. (It must have to do with the fact my desk in constantly in disarray. *I call it organized chaos until someone touches it* **hint,hint**) So as of today, he is considered Mr. Clean and I'm going to have to go into 'ghost mode' to get out of his radar range.

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

NEW... wait GUY!!!!

So it seems... The Director has chosen the new assistant since Ms. Nervous isn't coming back. And wouldn't you guess it, it's a GUY!!! I'm nervously trying to maintain my cool, since today is his official first day. Only as of reciently did we start getting guy volunteers, so the idea of actually having a guy working in the library all day long is... frightening.

I have nothing against guys, I have no problem staring from my peep hole worth of books in front of me. But actually having to TEACH the guy... foreboding... (I guess it comes from all the Monday morning staff meeting I sleep in on, I keep getting picked for work I don't want to do.)

So here I am, trying not to look as stupid and a little on the OCD that I happen to have a problem with. Let's just hope he can't find the reference desk in this large library.

*finger's crossed*

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

Volunteers

Stupidity at its best is always with a volunteer. Most of my assistants usually teach the volunteers, but occasionally I have to deal with them. I give them wonderfully affectionate names like, 'Eloquent Idiot', 'Idiot', and 'Idiot that talks to much'. (Mean I know, but you don't know these people.)

Volunteer #1 stupidest question is!

"How do you know where this book goes?"

Volunteer #2 stupidest question:

"Are you psychic or something?"

Why that question? Because I know their number one stupidest question before they even ask it. Boy is it a pain, but before long they actually get a bit smarter.

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

HIDE!!!

Alright, as a reference librarian I have a tendency to run away from approaching board members. Call it instinct, but I know the moment they come in through the front doors of the library. Okay, maybe I can smell them coming because of their over excessive use of expensive colognes, but you get the drift.

So what does the reference librarian have to be afraid of?... MY LIFE!!! I'm deathly afraid of people with power, so what do I do when they come in through the front door? I go into 'ghost mode' and disappear into the stacks. What happens when the director starts looking for me because the board members want to see me?

Even more so I hide. Call me chicken, I know, but I can't help it. People with power are S.C.A.R.Y... So what was the reason for the board members visit? Well after spending most of the day hidden and finally feeling the heavy presence of the board members gone, I head back to work. Director mad, me... don't care.

Director: "Didn't you know I was looking for you?"

Me: "Yup."

Stunned Director: "Then why didn't you come say hi to the board member?"

Me: "Can't. I'm allergic to them."

Director giving me a weird look: "Anyway, they wanted to say well done."

Praise from a board member... never a good thing...


You got to love Librarian-Hood...

Bluetooth vs Director

Alright, so our library has just installed all these new fancy bluetooth scanners, and headsets. Well, our director is what you would call a non-technological person. So my job as the IT/Ref librarian in-tells that I teach her how to use them. Like I've said, not technologically advanced.

Director: "Why isn't this plugged in?"

Me: "You don't have to."

Director: "Why not, if it's not connected to the computer I can't... what did you call it at the last board meeting... communicate with it?"

Me: "It goes through radio waves."

She gives the lipped 'O' and sets to scanning books for the first time. Falls in love with it and goes on a book scanning rampage. Next day, I'm busy behind my reference desk, working on yet another online reference question when the Director comes up looking a bit bed-ragged. Looking up, I ask, "What's up?"

"Ref! THIS THING DOESN'T WORK!!!!"

I look at the little yellow bluetooth hand-held laser and ask in a monotone, "Did you take it over to the computer and then press the trigger."

A moments hesitation and then she disappears, and reappears all glowing happily as she says, "IT WORKED!!!!"

You got to love Librarian-Hood....

Never Be the Last in a Library...

As the reference librarian, I have a very full life, most of it spent in my little oasis of desk, books, and tan folders. But occasionally, I am picked to close the library on our late days, meaning around nine at night. I have no problem doing it, though I do get picked for it quite often. So that means I work at the front desk, another meaning, no work! Or at least not the constant ref work I always have.

Around seven all the other librarians, assistants, volunteers, and excreta go home, while I sit there with my feet up in the assistants chair reading. It's almost closing, all the computers a idling, and I start getting the library cleaned up and ready for the next day, reports, stats, and everything done. Keys in hand, lock door to conference rooms, offices, computer lab(s). Finally the bathrooms, come and like regulation I knock, listen, and then shut the doors, go down the hall, lock the hall(s) and go back to my office to finish up last minute stuff.

As I'm about to shut off the main lights, I hear someone yelling. My brains saying, What in the world? No one's supposed to be here.

So I start calling out and finally come to the bathroom hallway. The person is behind the door. Trying to hold back laughter, I unlock the door and open it. A scared woman comes exploding out of it and yells at me. I told her I had done my standard proceedure, but she wouldn't have it and left the library fuming. Of course I started laughing my guts out at that point.

That is why I tell anyone that comes to the library on late days, don't be the last one in the library, you might get locked in.

You got to LOVE Librarian-Hood...

#1 Prank In Our Library

I can't help it, every time I think about it I start laughing. In our library we are constantly prancing one another. (Co-workers, and occasionally patrons too *though not this one*) Our number one prank is probably one of the oldest in the book, but still gets a million laughs.

Only one thing I can say is *evil grin* look before you sit!

Alright, alright, I'll explain... huff... once about two years ago we got all this stuff from the circus that comes to our town once a year. Some clowns came for our summer reading program and left one of those whoopee cushions behind (You know one of those balloon things that makes the fart noise when you sit on it). As it turns out we couldn't stand not using it. So for the first time we tried it with non other then our BIG boss, the Director. Now she's a pretty good natured woman and one day we put it in the chair where she sits at the front desk from time to time, then covered it with her coat.

Naturally she didn't see it and sat down. *FART!* Now there were three patrons at the front desk when this happened. Our Director was blushing beet red and me and the assistants were trying desperately not to laugh in the stacks. The patrons were trying hard to too, but kids were giggling up a storm, some laughing straight out. For days after the director never left the office, and not just that, she found the whoopee cushion! She wanted to know who did it, and believe me this is one of those times you might loose your job kind of angry.

Anyhoo, no one was caught and the supposedly thrown away whoopee cushion lurks in our library, waiting for a poor unsuspecting fool to sit down.

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

Teenagers....

Alright, here is a story worth telling. As a reference librarian not often do I see teenagers. But occasionally, like today, I happened upon one.

As usual, I'm the far corner of our large old library, keeping my head down, and hoping neither assistant, nor patron bothers me with questions. (Most often it works and I get to read and take naps occasionally on slow days.) But alas today wasn't that day.

*SCENE*

"Hey ma'am can you help me?"

For a moment I was confused because it didn't sound like a kid or an adult. So I slide a large stack of books to the side to see who in world is asking me a question. It turns out to be a teenage boy. (Now how many teenagers come to a reference desk, much less a boy? My point exactly.) Strangely enough I was curious and say, "Sure, what's up kid?"

(Alright, I'm not that old, probably about seven years older then him, but tell no one!) Anyhoo, he says, "I'm trying to find a book on how to play the piano."

This nearly sent me falling over in my chair. My brain was yelling at me, Oh my dear lord!!! Did this TEENAGE BOY just ask for me to find him a book on how to play the PIANO?!?!?!

Quickly I reboot my brain, smile, and say, "Of course."

Being the brainiac I try not to be, I don't even have to search for it and have him follow me to where the how-to books are. Showing him the book, he is literally grinning from ear to ear. I felt so proud to have helped this teenage boy, and was very glad to see him in the library till he opened his mouth and said, "Now I'll be able to pick up chick's big time!!!"

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

The Night Ms. Nervous became... well... Ms. Nervous

Alright, so I never really told the story about Ms. Nervous. Call me evil, but I wanted to wait a while before I told it. So here's the story, like I told before about wanting to scare Ms. Nervous when she was Ms. Know-It-All, we decided we'd scare her when she worked late.

Since the library is open late on Fridays for those (idiotic) college kids. To all new assistants we have an initiation scare. It shows us how well they will do. So it was her turn, we usually like to do it on the first day, but we were kind of lazy with her. (Because she was well... a know it all in more ways then one.) So drawing straws it was decided that me and another coworker would do it. (This is all for fun, and when the next assistant joins the ranks the one we scared helps out too. *our evil fun is hilarious*)

Everyone already called me 'Ghost' at work because of my silent feet. So my coworker dressed me up as the grime reaper thanks to her obsession with medieval times. And so the fun began.

Ms. Nervous was busy putting up books and I came behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and screamed bloody murder. Thankfully no one was in the library at the moment. I took off my mask and said, "Got yeah."

*she beat the stuffing's out of me with a dictionary after...*

(She took it okay, but still ...) Even so she became Ms. Nervous and made everyone nervous as well. As for the nervous break down, it turned out false, *she's pregnant!* (Congrats!!! Ms. Nervous and Husband!!!).

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

Behind-The-Scenes

Alright, so some of my friend who read this blog have been asking me what a librarian does to have fun. So like all those movies that have behind-the-scenes footage of actors making a fool of themselves, so do librarians. If you remember from my last post about the Sir Walter Scott thing, I will explain.

As a librarian, you have to find your fun where you can get it. In the offices behind the actual seen library, and in the shifter room, a good size room that lets us move our books around that have been check-in and out, there is a LONG hall that's waxed weekly. So when we have an old book that has some good paper in it, that hasn't been used in a long while, we have some fun!

First off, we take it out of our catalog and try to sale it.

Then if that doesn't work we steal it off the sales rack and during our breaks we rip out pages.

Now the reason for this is, you lay a nice slightly fuzzy page on the ground. Step back about ten feet and get a running start. We jump on the piece of paper and surf it down the hall. It is one of the few joys of being a librarian!

The record holder is Rambunctious Assistant at a fifteen foot slide using Edgar Allen Poe!

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

You Feel Something is Missing...

So now we are without an assistant. It's kind of a hollowing experience because now we have one less person to boss around... JUST KIDDING!!! Believe me Ms. Nervous made you nervous. Being the laid back librarians we are, we can't help but be kind of relieved. (Sorry Ms. Nervous and angry readers, but you didn't know her!)

As it turns out we are now hiring and we have learned that we can search the people online. I on the other hand get to do a background check on them. Another thing about being the Reference desk librarian happens to find herself in. If only I could be just the IT support!

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

Ms. Nervous

Let us continue where we left off. I have a tendency to be evil and leave people hanging.

SCENE:

It was discovered!... she had a nervous break down and can no longer work. For us librarians, we could only look at each other and wonder how it was possible for an assistant could. Now you are probably wondering what happened to Ms Nervous and why we always called her that.

It started when she started working here. She always wished to impress, but being a librarian you don't really care one way or another. Reading Sir Walter Scott... okay... well we use it for more recreational purposes. So as a 'let's have some fun', we decided to spook her. (We have a tendency to play tricks on each other and patrons. *I'll tell you those later*) In the end whenever we would come up on her, she would gasp as if she were about to scream bloody murder.

As for how she is today... we may never know...

Don't you love Librarian-Hood...

1 assistant, 2 assistant, 3 assistant, more!

Today while I was working, our Director wanted a count of all the assistant librarians, library assistants, and pages in our library. Because... cough... no other librarian wanted to do that and I wasn't (totally) present at the Monday morning staff meeting, I was voted to do the job. (I'm known for sleeping through them at the far corner of the long table.) Its a long rigorous job. So without further ado, I set to counting everyone that was supposed to be working.

1, 2, 3, 4,.... Turning around, I ask my Rambunctious Assistant, "Where's Ms. Nervous?"

"Don't know, check the stacks."

Seeing at the library is pretty big, I went about a treasure hunt for Ms. Nervous. (I'll give you an answer to why I call her that later.) So after a monumental search of the library, and asking of assistants and never ending stream of volunteers, it was discovered one of the assistants was missing from work and had been for a couple of days.

Now librarians being the introverts we are sometimes, I had no intention of calling to see if the dudette was okay. (I have a tendency to read and watch too many murder mysteries.) After having a rather long.... clearing throat... heated discussion we all drew straws and Whiner Page got the job. It was discovered...

TO BE CONTINUED....

Mrs. 2

Alright, funny story of the day. We have 12 computers that patrons are allowed to us in our lab, all of which are numbered. As you can guess we check-out our computers by their number and give each patron a stub that tells them which one. Now our patrons each have a six digit number on the card so we can identify them. Now here comes one of our patrons we all nicknamed Mrs. 2.

Everyday we would assign her a different computer, but she would ALWAYS go to number two. One day my assistant came complaining about it, since I'm all the way across the library from the computer lab. So I make my way through the stack (or reference to book shelves) and into the lab. Coming up to Mrs. 2 I ask, "Ma'am, is this the computer assigned to you?"

"Yes." Mrs. 2 says.

"May I see your tab."

The hands it to me and gets back to her work. I look at it and see the assigned computer if seven. Tapping her on the shoulder, I say, "Mrs. 2, the computer you need to be on is seven."

"No it isn't."

Out of curiosity since I hate reports and thus procrastinate, I ask, "Why do you say that?"

She shows me her tab and points to the two at the end of her six digit patron number. I almost wanted to bust out laughing there, but instead I say, "Ma'am, that's your patron number."

"Two is my patron number! Who's one?!"

My assistant snorts, as I proceed to explain the six digit index we use. After a half hour of arguing not about the computer, but more about the fact her patron index number isn't one, she finally relinquishes the computer and leaves the library fuming. From that day on she was known as Mrs. 2, and her partiality to the number one.

You got to love Librarian-Hood

Repeat After Me...

Everyday I get some of the most interesting questions asked me, one of this is, big guess. "Is this the liberry?"

I only have one question, do they know how to at least say LIBRARY correctly. Of course I can't say, 'It's library, not liberry." But alas I can't.

Printer Jam

Lets talk about those patrons that print a bajillion pages and the print gets stuck in our printer. Well considering... like I've said before. I'm the ONLY IT specialist there and it's a pain because I have to help the Director with reports and, ya'da, ya'da, ya'da. So the assistant librarians come crying to me when the blockbuster sized printer goes down.

*SCENE*

Whining Assistant: 'Hey Ref, can you come help us?'

"Whats up?" (I'm Ref. just so you know, if you couldn't tell.)

"Well... you see... uh... *in a mumble* the printer jammed again."

I slowly stand up over the pile of reference books, papers, and news articles needing to be organized and whatever else is taking up my precious time. Slowly the assistants shrink back as I ask slowly, "What. Happened. Again?"

"Sorry, Ref, but the printer jammed again."

I give them a scalding glare and fum my way out of the reference area, down the hall, and to the computer lab. There ten people start asking me questions. I say, "Busy.", "Don't care", "Ask my assistants." (Mean I know, but when you're fuming you don't really care.)

Finally get to the printer, open it up, and suddenly smoke starts coming out. "WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON THERE!!!!"

Turn to assistants, cowering as they say, "We tried to fix it..."

With a sigh, I get down to business, which includes taking a fire extinguisher to it, and then scalding my hand as I pull out wades of burnt and crumpled paper. Close it up, get it moving again, and go back to the cave of my reference desk without a word to the horrified patrons.

I wonder if that's why no ones been using the computer lately? *evil grin*

You got to love Librarian-Hood...

Hello, Grand Central Station, how may I help you?

The question I get asked every time I answer the phone is, 'Is this the liberry?"

Yes, very much so it is. But sometimes I got to say I want to tell them, no this is Grand Central Station and your call is collect. Evil I know, but sometimes you just to laugh when you have just told them it's the library and still they ask.